Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Tuesday May 3, 2005

This experiment has now come to an end. I have posted for four straight months and got a lot of great feedback. I do hope to do something with all of this someday, but for now, the blog is officially over. You may wonder what ever happens with me and Grant. Well, the truth is nothing. I went on through high school admiring him from afar and still trying to find a girlfriend. It was not until 1987 that I finally realized that I was gay. Now that is an interesting journal entry. I must find it. Thank you so much for reading. I hope you are all okay with the abrupt ending, but since the diary was in fact real life, there is never really an ending that anyone would want to read about. It is just life. And life just keeps on going. Thank you.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Saturday April 30, 1983

Now I will explain my dull day: woke up, watched cartoons, rearranged my bedroom, took a bath, went to the mall to perform for Cinco de Mayo, went to the BMX track with my brothers, came home, took my brother Chad to a movie, went bowling, went to the mall, picked up my brother, came home, watched tv, went to bed.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Friday April 29, 1983

Well another dull day at school. They seem to come in pairs. I said something really dumb in English class today and Grant was there. Oh well. It was so dumb I don't even want to write it down.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Thursday April 28, 1983

Grant or Dana were not at school today. Not together though. A lot of the people in the band were gone too for a contest so it was a rather dull day at school today.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Wednesday April 27, 1983

Dana and I ate lunch together while Grant sat at the next table with his head down and looking depressed-alone. Mitch and I still are not talking much. Who cares? Not me!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tuesday April 26, 1983

Great day!! I made student council. (Grant didn't. I'm surprised). Dana told me that thye are not dating anymore. Today at cheerleading practice, Grant nearly broke his neck when he was doing a back handspring. I saw him just laying there and I got scared! I'm gonna call him and make sure he's okay.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Monday April 25, 1983

Well I have been lifting weights and doing push ups pretty regularly for a while and it shows. I feel if I keep it up all summer, by next year I will look pretty good. Dana and I didn't say much today. Grant told me hi. Tomorrow I find out if I was elected to student council. Grant too!

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Sunday April 24, 1983

Today in Sunday school we talked about temptation from drugs, alcohol and sex. Then the teacher said something about Schroeder Hall. What a coincidence. I started laughing right there! I wanted to tell Grant but I didn't see him. He wasn't at church all day. I smiled at Anna but she just looked away.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Saturday April 23, 1983

I went to Patty's party and I did not drink. I couldn't afford it. It was at a club and it was expensive. It was about 95% Mexican people and everyone was speaking Spanish. I felt out of place. I left early and only danced one song. I wanted to go to Schroeder Hall to dance but it was too late.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Friday April 22, 1983

I asked Grant about temptations. He said a lot of times when he is with a girl he wants to do something but he doesn't. Afterwards, he feels good about it. Tomorrow is Patty's graduation party and I am going. Grant said if I did not think I could handle the temptation, then I shouldn't go. I think I can. I will try hard not to give in to temptation. Grant really helped me!!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Thursday April 21, 1983

I found out that Stephanie has a boyfriend who lives in Houston. I can't get any girl. I am tired of being Mr. Innocent. I found out that this other guy in drama sure isn't. His name is Mike. My gosh! He has kissed and petted a lot of girls. I want to do that but it isn't very Christian. I talked to Grant a bit today. Tomorrow I will ask him about wanting to kiss girls.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Wednesday April 20, 1983

Wow what a day. I think I am in love with Dana, Anna, Michelle and Stepanie (this girl in drama). Is that possible? Me and Anna talked. She called me saying that she wants to talk so I try to talk and she won't answer me. I never see Michelle. Dana and I are "family". Stephanie-well today I was going to go into the hallway behind the stage and try to kiss her. And then right then, Kim called me from the classroom!! Well forget that. I wonder if it is Christian to kiss girls. I hope so 'cause I sure want to.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Tuesday April 19, 1983

What a bad day. When we were performing I got called a fag. And then someone yelled out that I suck gross things. I found out that Anna is going around with someone else now. And this other girl that I used to like (Michelle who goes to the other high school and used to go to our church) I saw at the Key Club activity because it took place at her high school. She got beautiful and she is going around with someone too. Mitch told me today that he wants to be a preacher. It is late and I am too sleepy to eat so I am starving. I wish I would die in my sleep tonight.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Monday April 18, 1983

I called Dana tonight and we talked for about twenty minutes. Tomorrow and Wednesday we will perform for school. I am not going to church tomorrow night for the social. I am going on a Key Club activity with Dana. I guess her and I like each other like a brother and sister. That's better than nothing.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Sunday April 17, 1983

I did not go to church at all today. Maybe everyone there will be worried about me. Good! I made it through my weekend alone. My brother Coby got fifth place in his BMX race. My other brother Chad got some Vans shoes. Shoot! I called Dana and talked to her for about two minutes. I have been practicing cheerleading all day today.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Saturday April 16, 1983

Mitch and I are back to normal. My whole family is in Austin so I am home all alone. It is so quiet. I just sat around all day.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Friday April 15, 1983

I told Mitch that I don't want to talk anymore. He called me walla go. He tries to be so mature. He makes me sick. I wrote him a letter with all my problems in it and he told Dana about it and now she is supposed to talk to me about it. Oh brother.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Thursday April 14, 1983

Mitch called and said "we need to talk". We? He did 95% of the talking. I don't care if we are friends or not. I really don't. Dana called me tonight. She called me! Wow! I ate lunch with her while Mitch ate with some other friends of ours. I told them later that I am sick of Mitch and not them.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Wednesday April 13, 1983

God? I am so jealous of Grant and it depresses me. Sometimes I wish you could make me die so I could forget about Grant, Dana, Anna-everyone!! I sometimes hate life but I do have a lot of friends. Thanks for that.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Tuesday April 12, 1983

I just wrote a long letter to Sally . I told her about Grant, Anna and Dana and how I am so confused by all of them. Me and Mitch are finally no longer friends I think. I don't care. He's a jerk, I am sure. God? I am so depressed. Help me make it through this week. Please let everything in my life work out.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Monday April 11, 1983

Me and Grant never talk but I don't care!! I just watched the Academy Awards. Maybe some day I'll win an Oscar. Next week the drama department is doing a presentation of our speech tournamnet events. I am doing three events with Dana. Eat your heart out, Grant.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Sunday April 10, 1983

Grant did not go to church today and I did not go to church tonight. Deanne was supposed to pick me up but she could not find my house. This was the girl who was supposedly going to ask me to the prom. She never did.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Saturday April 9, 1983

I cleaned bathrooms again today. This time with Dana. Then tonight I called her. I guess you could say that I love her some. I think we will only (but always) be friends. Grant couldn't go today because he had some cheerleading thing

Friday, April 08, 2005

Friday April 8, 1983

Today I was cleaning the bathroom walls for a Key Club activity and I found two things about Grant: "Grant Mellman is gay" and "Grant Mellman sucks big dicks". I cleaned them but I thought it was funny. I wish Dana could have seen them. Today when she saw Grant in the hallway, she ran into me to get to him. Jealousy.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Thursday April 7, 1983

Grant wasn't at school today. Dana won class treasurer. That's good. I am running for representative of the seniors of 1985. Yah! Lately, I have been going out to eat lunch with Felicia, Machon and Kim. What a blast!! I wish Anna would call. I want to talk to her.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Wednesday April 6, 1983

Well Anna is going around with someone else. Left me out in the cold. What a b____!! I'm sure. Some nerve. I thought I still loved her. Never again!!! Lord, help me find a girlfriend. I am still jealous of Grant but he is friendly to me and vise-versa. Today Mitch was really on my nerves.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Tuesday April 5, 1983

I just wrote a letter to Anna and asked if we are ever getting back together 'cause if we are, I don't want to wait. I called Dana twice tonight to talk. Grant got some great shoes. They are ultra-neat.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Monday April 4, 1983

Grant wasn't at lunch today so Dana and I talked a lot. She is running for class treasurer and she asked me to second her nomination. ME not Grant. Tonight I went to a workshop to learn about the puppets that we will be using when we go to Wyoming on the mission trip. It was neat.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Sunday April 3, 1983

All the relatives left today. School starts back tomorrow after a week off so everything is normal again. (Normal?). It's Easter and we didn't even go to church. I think of Anna a lot. I guess I still like her.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Saturday April 2, 1983

Aunt Shirley and Uncle Ronnie and Mammaw Lillian came to visit today from Houston. Another dull day with no television. we are not going to church tomorrow. I don't really want to anyway. I don't know why. I start school again on Monday. half yah and half boo. I will get to see my friends again but then I will have to be busy again.