Dear Diary, it is 1983!!

Tuesday May 3, 2005

2005-05-03T01:21:00.000-04:00

This experiment has now come to an end. I have posted for four straight months and got a lot of great feedback. I do hope to do something with all of this someday, but for now, the blog is officially over. You may wonder what ever happens with me and Grant. Well, the truth is nothing. I went on through high school admiring him from afar and still trying to find a girlfriend. It was not until 1987 that I finally realized that I was gay. Now that is an interesting journal entry. I must find it. Thank you so much for reading. I hope you are all okay with the abrupt ending, but since the diary was in fact real life, there is never really an ending that anyone would want to read about. It is just life. And life just keeps on going. Thank you.

Saturday April 30, 1983

2005-04-30T00:46:00.000-04:00

Now I will explain my dull day: woke up, watched cartoons, rearranged my bedroom, took a bath, went to the mall to perform for Cinco de Mayo, went to the BMX track with my brothers, came home, took my brother Chad to a movie, went bowling, went to the mall, picked up my brother, came home, watched tv, went to bed.

Friday April 29, 1983

2005-04-29T00:45:00.000-04:00

Well another dull day at school. They seem to come in pairs. I said something really dumb in English class today and Grant was there. Oh well. It was so dumb I don't even want to write it down.

Thursday April 28, 1983

2005-04-28T00:43:00.000-04:00

Grant or Dana were not at school today. Not together though. A lot of the people in the band were gone too for a contest so it was a rather dull day at school today.

Wednesday April 27, 1983

2005-04-27T00:42:00.000-04:00

Dana and I ate lunch together while Grant sat at the next table with his head down and looking depressed-alone. Mitch and I still are not talking much. Who cares? Not me!

Tuesday April 26, 1983

2005-04-26T00:39:00.000-04:00

Great day!! I made student council. (Grant didn't. I'm surprised). Dana told me that thye are not dating anymore. Today at cheerleading practice, Grant nearly broke his neck when he was doing a back handspring. I saw him just laying there and I got scared! I'm gonna call him and make sure he's okay.

Monday April 25, 1983

2005-04-25T07:21:00.000-04:00

Well I have been lifting weights and doing push ups pretty regularly for a while and it shows. I feel if I keep it up all summer, by next year I will look pretty good. Dana and I didn't say much today. Grant told me hi. Tomorrow I find out if I was elected to student council. Grant too!

Sunday April 24, 1983

2005-04-24T00:49:00.000-04:00

Today in Sunday school we talked about temptation from drugs, alcohol and sex. Then the teacher said something about Schroeder Hall. What a coincidence. I started laughing right there! I wanted to tell Grant but I didn't see him. He wasn't at church all day. I smiled at Anna but she just looked away.

Saturday April 23, 1983

2005-04-23T00:46:00.000-04:00

I went to Patty's party and I did not drink. I couldn't afford it. It was at a club and it was expensive. It was about 95% Mexican people and everyone was speaking Spanish. I felt out of place. I left early and only danced one song. I wanted to go to Schroeder Hall to dance but it was too late.

Friday April 22, 1983

2005-04-22T07:44:00.000-04:00

I asked Grant about temptations. He said a lot of times when he is with a girl he wants to do something but he doesn't. Afterwards, he feels good about it. Tomorrow is Patty's graduation party and I am going. Grant said if I did not think I could handle the temptation, then I shouldn't go. I think I can. I will try hard not to give in to temptation. Grant really helped me!!

Thursday April 21, 1983

2005-04-21T01:21:00.000-04:00

I found out that Stephanie has a boyfriend who lives in Houston. I can't get any girl. I am tired of being Mr. Innocent. I found out that this other guy in drama sure isn't. His name is Mike. My gosh! He has kissed and petted a lot of girls. I want to do that but it isn't very Christian. I talked to Grant a bit today. Tomorrow I will ask him about wanting to kiss girls.

Wednesday April 20, 1983

2005-04-20T00:05:00.000-04:00

Wow what a day. I think I am in love with Dana, Anna, Michelle and Stepanie (this girl in drama). Is that possible? Me and Anna talked. She called me saying that she wants to talk so I try to talk and she won't answer me. I never see Michelle. Dana and I are "family". Stephanie-well today I was going to go into the hallway behind the stage and try to kiss her. And then right then, Kim called me from the classroom!! Well forget that. I wonder if it is Christian to kiss girls. I hope so 'cause I sure want to.

Tuesday April 19, 1983

2005-04-19T00:00:00.000-04:00

What a bad day. When we were performing I got called a fag. And then someone yelled out that I suck gross things. I found out that Anna is going around with someone else now. And this other girl that I used to like (Michelle who goes to the other high school and used to go to our church) I saw at the Key Club activity because it took place at her high school. She got beautiful and she is going around with someone too. Mitch told me today that he wants to be a preacher. It is late and I am too sleepy to eat so I am starving. I wish I would die in my sleep tonight.

Monday April 18, 1983

2005-04-18T23:57:00.000-04:00

I called Dana tonight and we talked for about twenty minutes. Tomorrow and Wednesday we will perform for school. I am not going to church tomorrow night for the social. I am going on a Key Club activity with Dana. I guess her and I like each other like a brother and sister. That's better than nothing.

Sunday April 17, 1983

2005-04-17T23:55:00.000-04:00

I did not go to church at all today. Maybe everyone there will be worried about me. Good! I made it through my weekend alone. My brother Coby got fifth place in his BMX race. My other brother Chad got some Vans shoes. Shoot! I called Dana and talked to her for about two minutes. I have been practicing cheerleading all day today.

Saturday April 16, 1983

2005-04-16T23:54:00.000-04:00

Mitch and I are back to normal. My whole family is in Austin so I am home all alone. It is so quiet. I just sat around all day.

Friday April 15, 1983

2005-04-15T23:52:00.000-04:00

I told Mitch that I don't want to talk anymore. He called me walla go. He tries to be so mature. He makes me sick. I wrote him a letter with all my problems in it and he told Dana about it and now she is supposed to talk to me about it. Oh brother.

Thursday April 14, 1983

2005-04-14T23:49:00.000-04:00

Mitch called and said "we need to talk". We? He did 95% of the talking. I don't care if we are friends or not. I really don't. Dana called me tonight. She called me! Wow! I ate lunch with her while Mitch ate with some other friends of ours. I told them later that I am sick of Mitch and not them.

Wednesday April 13, 1983

2005-04-13T23:47:00.000-04:00

God? I am so jealous of Grant and it depresses me. Sometimes I wish you could make me die so I could forget about Grant, Dana, Anna-everyone!! I sometimes hate life but I do have a lot of friends. Thanks for that.

Tuesday April 12, 1983

2005-04-12T23:44:00.000-04:00

I just wrote a long letter to Sally . I told her about Grant, Anna and Dana and how I am so confused by all of them. Me and Mitch are finally no longer friends I think. I don't care. He's a jerk, I am sure. God? I am so depressed. Help me make it through this week. Please let everything in my life work out.

Monday April 11, 1983

2005-04-11T00:55:00.000-04:00

Me and Grant never talk but I don't care!! I just watched the Academy Awards. Maybe some day I'll win an Oscar. Next week the drama department is doing a presentation of our speech tournamnet events. I am doing three events with Dana. Eat your heart out, Grant.

Sunday April 10, 1983

2005-04-10T19:47:00.000-04:00

Grant did not go to church today and I did not go to church tonight. Deanne was supposed to pick me up but she could not find my house. This was the girl who was supposedly going to ask me to the prom. She never did.

Saturday April 9, 1983

2005-04-09T00:50:00.000-04:00

I cleaned bathrooms again today. This time with Dana. Then tonight I called her. I guess you could say that I love her some. I think we will only (but always) be friends. Grant couldn't go today because he had some cheerleading thing

Friday April 8, 1983

2005-04-08T01:05:00.000-04:00

Today I was cleaning the bathroom walls for a Key Club activity and I found two things about Grant: "Grant Mellman is gay" and "Grant Mellman sucks big dicks". I cleaned them but I thought it was funny. I wish Dana could have seen them. Today when she saw Grant in the hallway, she ran into me to get to him. Jealousy.

Thursday April 7, 1983

2005-04-07T01:00:00.000-04:00

Grant wasn't at school today. Dana won class treasurer. That's good. I am running for representative of the seniors of 1985. Yah! Lately, I have been going out to eat lunch with Felicia, Machon and Kim. What a blast!! I wish Anna would call. I want to talk to her.

Wednesday April 6, 1983

2005-04-06T21:13:00.000-04:00

Well Anna is going around with someone else. Left me out in the cold. What a b____!! I'm sure. Some nerve. I thought I still loved her. Never again!!! Lord, help me find a girlfriend. I am still jealous of Grant but he is friendly to me and vise-versa. Today Mitch was really on my nerves.

Tuesday April 5, 1983

2005-04-05T01:08:00.000-04:00

I just wrote a letter to Anna and asked if we are ever getting back together 'cause if we are, I don't want to wait. I called Dana twice tonight to talk. Grant got some great shoes. They are ultra-neat.

Monday April 4, 1983

2005-04-04T21:07:00.000-04:00

Grant wasn't at lunch today so Dana and I talked a lot. She is running for class treasurer and she asked me to second her nomination. ME not Grant. Tonight I went to a workshop to learn about the puppets that we will be using when we go to Wyoming on the mission trip. It was neat.

Sunday April 3, 1983

2005-04-03T21:05:00.000-04:00

All the relatives left today. School starts back tomorrow after a week off so everything is normal again. (Normal?). It's Easter and we didn't even go to church. I think of Anna a lot. I guess I still like her.

Saturday April 2, 1983

2005-04-02T00:29:00.000-05:00

Aunt Shirley and Uncle Ronnie and Mammaw Lillian came to visit today from Houston. Another dull day with no television. we are not going to church tomorrow. I don't really want to anyway. I don't know why. I start school again on Monday. half yah and half boo. I will get to see my friends again but then I will have to be busy again.

Friday April 1, 1983

2005-04-01T01:00:00.000-05:00

It was really windy today and the television antenna wire fell! The result? No t.v. It's so dull here! It's 9:00 and I'm in bed already, ya know? I wish I had a girlfriend. I really do. Someone to write to and to call. Lord, can you help?

Thursday March 31, 1983

2005-03-31T22:13:00.000-05:00

I just read back through a lot of this diary. All the way from hating Grant to being jealous of him to being friends. We have a Key Club meeting tomorrow. I hope Grant is there. He's the person I know the best in Key Club. I have been tanning all day and I lifted weights. You can see a difference.

Wednesday March 30, 1983

2005-03-30T22:08:00.000-05:00

Church was cancelled because of an electricity outage. We made it through all of the fellowship supper and then half of the Pioneers class. Grant was real nice. We talked about Dana. And he got a car. He might get his license on Friday. Mitch got a car. Sally is looking for one. When will it be my turn?

Tuesday March 29, 1983

2005-03-29T22:05:00.000-05:00

What a boring week. Nothing to do. Mitch came over in his new car. I talked to Sally on the phone. That's (yawn) it. Ultra-dull. Tomorrow is church so I will see other humans who are my age. I'm actually ready for school to start. At least then I'll have something to do. I just did my homework and enjoyed it!!!!!

Monday March 28, 1983

2005-03-28T22:03:00.000-05:00

Dana moved yesterday. I saw her at school today. We were there for meetings. We have no school this week because it is spring break. Without school, there isn't much to talk about. It'll be like that all week.

Sunday March 27, 1983

2005-03-26T21:59:00.000-05:00

Grant didn't talk to me at all at church this morning and he wasn't at evening church. Dana should be moving out here to the country ultra-soon. I can't wait. Mitch bought a car today. He doesn't get his driver's license until August. I get mine in August too. There is a rumor going around at school that this girl Deanne is going to ask me to prom. She is a junior.

Saturday March 26, 1983

2005-03-26T16:48:00.000-05:00

Nice day! I was in a good mood. Mom bought me some Nike tennis shoes and a new shirt. I will see Grant tomorrow at church. My Nikes are identical to his. Oh well, I like them.

Friday March 25, 1983

2005-03-25T16:45:00.000-05:00

School wasn't bad today. I was in a good mood. I got nominated for sophomore standout. That is when the whole class nominates people who are the most popular and then the three guys and the three girls with the most votes win. Grant got nominated too. Today I couldn't find my watch and I got worried, but I said "let God take care of it." I remembered where it was! Tomorrow I get to sleep late. Oh! Wow! A free week-end!

Thursday March 24, 1983

2005-03-24T16:41:00.000-05:00

We did our U.I.L. play today. We did good but we didn't win. One of our cast made all-star cast. So now I have no more plays or rehearsal. More free time. Maybe now I can start lifting weights. Oh, I am tired. I dread school tomorrow, I really do. It has been great the last two days just being at the U.I.L. compettion and just performing all day.

Wednesday March 23, 1983

2005-03-23T16:36:00.000-05:00

Ever since me and Grant have become friends I have been in such a good mood. We talked today like two real friends. We both still like Dana but I am gonna let God take care of all my problems from now on. And I am trying to stop cussing but it's already becoming a habit.

Tuesday March 22, 1983

2005-03-22T16:34:00.000-05:00

Today I gave a letter to Grant that said that I was jealous of him but now I want to be "good Christian friends". I am sure we will be. Did not talk to Dana hardly at all. I had a great day. I still feel close to God and I am having a daily quite time again.

Monday March 21, 1983

2005-03-21T16:32:00.000-05:00

At the Key Club meeting Grant was very friendly. We talked a lot. It's great being friends. What a load off my mind.

Sunday March 20, 1983

2005-03-20T08:49:00.000-05:00

Me and Grant are friends. We hugged at the Baptist encampment and and then later that night at choir practice back at church we all had a crying session and he reached back and patted my knee. He asked me what's wrong and I said "problems". Me and Anna hugged and cried together. The cheerleadrer that Grant was hanging out with accepted Christ into her heart tonight too. This week I learned "we must take the first step". When that was said Grant and I looked at each other and started being nice to each other. An answer to prayer! Thank you.

Saturday March 19, 1983

2005-03-19T23:49:00.000-05:00

What a full day. Just being at the camp and playing games and going to devotional. Grant was pretty nice to me today. He uses hair spray. Oh wow! Grant has been pretty close with that gal. The cheerleader from the other high school. She is going around with someone from our high school. Anna was not able to come to the retreat because she is being grounded from getting a "19" on that English test.

Friday March 18, 1983

2005-03-18T00:31:00.000-05:00

I am in Alto Frio at a Baptist Encampment on our church retreat. Grant is hanging out with some cheerleader from the other high school. As soon as I see 'em holding hands I am telling Dana. This place is ultra-grody. All boys in one big room. And the bathroom is another story.
This is the website to the actual Baptist Camp and it looks the exact same way as it did 22 years ago!

Thursday March 17, 1983

2005-03-17T23:35:00.000-05:00

I just watched "Happy Days" on tv. Jenny Picolo was jealous of Joanie's new friend. I can relate to Jenny. I wanted to cry. I want Grant to be my friend so bad but he is so rude to me. I want a best friend. Mitch is not. He get's on my nerves. He's trying to be nice but I am acting like Grant does to me-barely enough talking to get by.

Wednesday March 16, 1983

2005-03-16T21:13:00.000-05:00

Mitch and I still are not talking. He is, I'm not. Dana wrote me a letter today and told me that she had a fight with Grant and they are not talking either. Good. I did not go to church tonight. I hope that Mitch told tham that I was not able to be there because I was at U.I.L one-act play rehearsal.

Tuesday March 15, 1983

2005-03-15T21:12:00.000-05:00

A nothing day. Me and Mitch did not speak all day and I did not go to devotional this morning before school. A very dull day.

Monday March 14, 1983

2005-03-14T21:50:00.000-05:00

Walla go I bought a great Ocean Pacific shirt and some baggie pants. That'll show up Grant. Mitch got mad at me today because I was laughing at Grant. He had a hole in his shirt under his arm. Mr. Big Shot himself. Ha! Ha! I am fixing to write a rude letter to Mitch to tell him that he is getting on my nerves.

Sunday March 13, 1983

2005-03-13T21:47:00.000-05:00

I am still sore but getting better. At church we talked about our trip to Wyoming. We will have a bath schedule and get only one shower every other day for ten minutes-gross! Grant didn't talk to me today and neither did Anna. A rather normal hum-drum day today. I hope Grant is nice to me tomorrow. I'm gonna be nice to him. See ya later!

Saturday March 12, 1983

2005-03-12T21:43:00.000-05:00

Help! I am ultra-sore today from the jump-a-thon yesterday. Very busy day here at home and I did some work at school also. Did not talk to Dana, Mitch, Grant or Anna all day. Did not even think of them. Good day. Nice and enjoyable. Robbie (the other male cheerleader) was at school today and he is really nice.

Friday March 11, 1983

2005-03-11T23:26:00.000-05:00

No school today; it was a teacher's in-service day. We did have the jump-a-thon and I am sore!! It is to raise money for the heart association. Dana was on my team and Grant was on another. He kept coming towards her to talk to her but I would always beat him. I hugged her in front of him when she won a door prize. Eat your heart out, Grant. He didn't go to church fellowship tonight and neither did Anna. He went to Dana's house.

Thursday March 10, 1983

2005-03-10T15:24:00.000-05:00

Anna called me about ten times today and hung up. Once she said, "Darron, why don't you go fuck yourself?" We had it out. I have never really argued with a girl before. Her mother made her break up with me because I "look like the kind of guy that might pull something". I am innocent! She broke up with me so why is she mad? We were yelling and cussing. She said I act like a jack ass. We must have had 20 different phone calls. She sounds like she still likes me. I like her too but I also like Dana. Lord? Please help me! I need it bad. Help Grant and me to be friends and for everything to work out. Please?

Wednesday March 9, 1983

2005-03-09T15:23:00.000-05:00

I don't think Anna and I will ever get together again. We are both kinda mad at each other. Grant was his normal self today-snobby. I didn't talk to Dana much either. I am depressed.

Tuesday March 8, 1983

2005-03-08T15:20:00.000-05:00

I feel so depressed. It's sad to know that Dana and I will never have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I wish God would just let me die tonight so I would have no more problems. Why would Dana like me? I am skinny, ugly, have a big nose and big ears. Besides, she has GRANT!

Monday March 7, 1983

2005-03-07T11:49:00.000-05:00

Guess who is moving out here to the country in Mission Valley just four miles from me! Dana! I can't wait till Grant finds out that she'll be close to me. He'll have a fit. I said bye to him today and he said "bye Darron". He's getting friendly. He or Mitch never congratulated us on our win in Katy.

Sunday March 6, 1983

2005-03-06T11:28:00.000-05:00

At church, Grant didn't say anything about the Katy speech tournament. Jealous of "Dana and Darron"? I keep asking Dana why Grant is so rude to me but she won't give me an answer. Anna called me twice today and hung up. When I saw her at church, she told me it wasn't her but she told Mitch that it was. Maybe she still likes me.

Saturday March 5, 1983

2005-03-05T23:42:00.000-05:00

We left to Katy, Texas this morning at 5:30 AM. This is for the biggest speech tournament of the year. Results: Fourth place in duet improvization with Dana and third place in solo acting. Me and Dana were together constantly. Glinda and I had a crying talk about me and Grant and Dana. Me crying. Glinda is a junior in drama and I used to have a crush on her. She was my little brothers' babysitter a long time ago.

Friday March 5, 1983

2005-03-05T21:55:00.000-05:00

Grant was looking at me funny today. I smiled at him but he didn't notice. I know that he hates our speech tournaments because me and Dana are together too much. Dana was nice today. Everyday. I love her.

Thursday March 4, 1983

2005-03-04T21:50:00.000-05:00

I wanted to get drunk today. I told Dana and she got rather mad. She didn't say so but I could tell. I have her figured out. Grant was his normal rude, selfish, uncaring self today-not one word to me all day. Cheerleading is really going to his head. Soon he won't be able to wear a hat! Ha!

Wednesday March 2, 1983

2005-03-02T00:06:00.000-05:00

Dana wrote back and said that she loves my letters. Grant was extremely nice to everyone at church except me. He cut his hair punk again. Dana told me she has been depressed. I don't think they are getting along. That's good!

Tuesday March 1, 1983

2005-03-01T23:50:00.000-05:00

Dana is really mad at something. She hasn't been writing back to my letters and she doesn't even bring them up. Today Grant and Dana were walking together and I needed to talk to her. Grant looked at me and saw me staring at them. He wore an Oxford shirt and an Ocean Pacific shirt today. How tacky!!

Monday February 28, 1983

2005-02-28T23:48:00.000-05:00

Grant didn't say a word to me all day. Dana seemed rather mad too. And I got into a fight with Mitch. I called him a lot of bad names. He gets me so mad. He acts so dumb!! Guess who I stiil like: Dana. No duh!

Sunday February 27, 1983

2005-02-27T23:46:00.000-05:00

Grant didn't go to morning church, Sunday school or choir. At the evening service he didn't talk at all. Anna said hi but I answered coldly and sadly. I acted sad all night.

Saturday February 26, 1983

2005-02-26T23:41:00.000-05:00

Dana and I got fourth in duet acting. Brag! I had a wonderful time in Calhoun with this girl in drama named Carmen. We were just being silly and acting crazy. We were feeding seagulls in the parking lot and then she went to apply for a job at a Dairy Queen and they asked her to start work tomorrow. She doesn't even live in that town! I can't wait for the big Katy tournament at the end of the year, ya know? I learned that Dana can be kinda dirty minded and she is not as perfect as I thought. At church tomorrow, Grant better be nice to me. Also Anna.

Friday February 25, 1983

2005-02-25T23:37:00.000-05:00

Calhoun tournament for today: semi-finals in group interpretation with Dana, Michelle and Kim. Quarter-finals in duet acting with Dana. Finals in record mime with Dana. We perform tomorrow. It was a ditto of Januray 15th. "Grant's everywhere". I get so mad when I do that. I am lonely right now and want a girlfriend.

Thursday February 24, 1983

2005-02-24T23:34:00.000-05:00

Dana said we'll be friends forever. Her and Grant are not getting along. I saw them arguing today. I am kinda glad. I guess I still like Dana. Tomorrow is the big two-day speech tournament. I can't wait. I hope we do good.

Wednesday February 23, 1983

2005-02-23T07:03:00.000-05:00

Anna broke up with me. Her parents made her. I have been crying like a sisssy. Mitch told me she was crying too at church. I guess I loved her more than I thought I did. I just wrote a very very serious letter to Dana. I explained Grant and her and my jealousy. I hope the letter is okay. I asked her to promise me that she would be my friend forever. I need the security. Am I sad because I lost Anna or because I lost a girlfriend? Both I think.

Tuesday February 23, 1983

2005-02-23T07:02:00.000-05:00

Oops, I forgot to write today.

Monday February 21, 1983

2005-02-21T06:57:00.000-05:00

Anna got grounded for two weeks because she got a 19 on an English test. As of now, she can't go on the spring retreat to Alto Frio OR the Wyoming trip. I pray that her parents change their minds. Our one-act play rehearsal was a zod-is affair. Ms. T. was all flicted for some unknown reason. Maybe because she is pregnant. She got mad because I was three minutes late.

Sunday February 20, 1983

2005-02-20T00:46:00.000-05:00

At church Anna seemed mad at me. She said she wasn't, she "was tired". Grant didn't go to church this evening and Mitch didn't go all day. I had a Key Club (yawn) meeting. It was supposed to be formal wear but I wore jeans and a t-shirt. I had to change into my wrinkled church clothes.

Saturday February 19, 1983

2005-02-19T00:42:00.000-05:00

Anna and I did not go to the movie, but she called me a lot. I found out that Grant is not going to Wyoming for our church choir's mission trip. We are going to an indian reservation to help teach Sunday school and we will sing our Stir Into Flame concert at churches on the way up there. I am disappointed that he is not going. That trip was going to bring us closer together. I guess that means that on the spring retreat to Alto Frio we will have to work even harder. Me, Mitch, Grant and Scott will room together. Now Mitch likes Millie!

Friday February 18, 1983

2005-02-18T00:39:00.000-05:00

Dana went on a convention so Grant was alone all day. Awww! I got the part of Marvin the postman in the one-act play for U.I.L. competition. Oh well! Not the part I wanted. I really love Anna!! I even told her and she said it too! I miss her so much since we go to different schools. I will see her on Sunday. Maybe tomorrow if we can go to the movie!

Thursday February 17, 1983

2005-02-17T00:36:00.000-05:00

Grant made cheerleader and he was Mr. Non-chalant about it. I love Anna. It's great having a girlfriend. We talked on the phone for about an hour. She's helping me to save my money. Practically a budget. That's good. I told Dana that I was going around with Anna (I told everyone) but she didn't say anything about it. Hmmmm!?!

Wednesday February 16, 1983

2005-02-16T00:33:00.000-05:00

Me and Anna are going around!!!! I asked her at church tonight. I've finally got a girlfriend! Anna + Darron. Yah! I think everyone at church already knows. That's good. AJ + DC! Grant was fair today today. He and Dana got into a fight at lunch. Awww! He was mad all day.

Tuesday February 15, 1983

2005-02-15T00:29:00.000-05:00

Grant did really good at the cheerleader try-outs. I am sure he will make it. I am jealous. I talked to him some today. Kim asked Dana and Dana told Kim that she is "seeing" Grant. Jealousy! I still like Dana but do I like Anna? I told Kim that I have a girlfriend, talking about Anna and Dana overheard. She is probably glad I won't bother her anymore. Dana and I stayed after school today to prcatice.

Monday February 14, 1983

2005-02-14T21:45:00.000-05:00

He was okay today. Dana and I stayed after school today to practice. He came into the drama room after we were done. He started talking to her and her leg was in his lap. Jealousy! I think Anna likes me and vice-versa. I may ask her on Wednesday to go around with me. Lord, should I? Cheerleader try-outs are tomorrow. I don't want to watch!

Sunday February 13, 1983

2005-02-13T21:38:00.000-05:00

Our church youth choir went to Kennedy today to perform our "Stir Into Flame" concert. Kennedy is a nearby town and we sang at the church's morning service. Success! Grant was nice today. At the Family Activity Center at church he was helping me do some cheers and stuff. He said I was pretty good. I don't "love" Millie anymore. Anna now. She goes to our church and is in the choir. She is younger than me. Mitch asked me if her and I were going together. We probably looked like we are. We were together a lot today. And Grant was so nice. We were talking and laughing together. Wow!!! We will see how he is tomorrow!!

Saturday February 12, 1983

2005-02-12T21:37:00.000-05:00

What a day. Patty's punk party was a blast. I didn't drink even though I wanted to.

Friday February 11, 1983

2005-02-11T21:33:00.000-05:00

Grant made it past screenings so now he has to go to try-outs. It is a popular vote. A lot of people have mixed feelings for him so I don't know if he will make it. Tomorrow is Patty's punk party. I have a great costume. I will wear an extension cord for a belt! Two days until Valentine's and another year I don't have a girlfriend. Maybe next Valentine's. Let's hope. I have so much love to give.

Thursday January 10, 1983

2005-02-10T21:30:00.000-05:00

Today Grant had screenings for cheerleading. Those are like the pre-try-outs. I saw him practice and he is pretty good! Even the present cheerleaders were impressed. He will make it! I am jealous!!! After school, me and Dana were practicing while he and the cheerleaders watched. Grant left for some reason.

Wednesday February 9, 1983

2005-02-09T13:39:00.000-05:00

Well today I "acted" awful. Like I was mad at Mitch. I was actually mad at Grant (for no reason) and taking it out on Mitch. At church, Grant said he was too tired and he left. When I was walking near Grant, Mitch and Millie I heard my name. I'm positive! I am so lonely. I want a girlfriend for Valentine's Day. BAD!

Tuesday February 8, 1983

2005-02-08T13:34:00.000-05:00

I didn't talk to Grant today. Mr. Beusing (Januray 25) called me to his office today to talk. I told him everything except the names of people. I told him how I am jealous of Grant and how I want a girlfriend. I may go in tomorrow and talk some more. It felt good to get it off my chest to someone other than Mitch. We haven't been getting along great lately!

Monday February 7, 1983

2005-02-07T13:28:00.000-05:00

I got into an argument with Mitch today. He told me not to call Millie because I would get to talking about Grant and she doesn't want a boyfriend anyway. My friend Felicia told me to call her anyway if I like her. I got confused and pissed. I don't know what to do. Lord, help me decide please! I think I love Millie. Should I tell her? Mitch told me he doesn't want me to get hurt again. Again??

Sunday February 6, 1983

2005-02-06T13:24:00.000-05:00

Today at church I was baptized. Wow! It was at the morning service and I did it in front of the whole congregation. I think I really like Millie. I told Mitch to ask her if she has a boyfriend. She doesn't! Should I go for it? She is Grant's sister. That might be kinda weird. I will put some serious thought into it. He was at church today and I didn't say a word to him at all. That was rude of me. I'm sorry.

Saturday February 5, 1983

2005-02-05T13:20:00.000-05:00

I didn't do much today. It was a boring day. I talked to my friend Sally on the phone for an hour! She is just someone that I have known for a long time. I thought I liked her last year but we decided to be just friends. I wonder if I will see Grant or Millie tomorrow at church. I really think I like Millie. I think she is very pretty.

Friday February 4, 1983

2005-02-04T13:17:00.000-05:00

Grant is still sick. He wasn't at church fellowship tonight and neither was Millie. I was really looking forward to seeing her. I do think I like her. Hey, I can't have Dana so I may as well forget her, right? I know that's cruel, but the world has been cruel to me and I think I deserve better!

Thursday February 3, 1983

2005-02-03T13:14:00.000-05:00

Grant is still sick. Dana ate lunch all alone today so I sat with her for a little while. She has looked so depressed lately and I don't know why. I hope it's not because she misses Grant. I bought a shirt today that looks just like one that he has. I said "why not"! You know? I will wear it tomorrow to school and church. I still don't know how I feel about Millie.

Wednesday February 2, 1983

2005-02-02T13:09:00.000-05:00

Went to church tonight and I hardly even talked to Millie. We started a new class at church called Pioneers. I thought it was rather boring. Mitch liked it. He got a little mad because I didn't like it. Plus I was saying stuff like "I am so worried about Grant" but saying it sacrcastically. Scott was saying it too. Scott is the other guy in our class who goes to the other high school. He is really preppy and Grant tries to dress like him. Mitch was kinda mad at me for that too.

Tuesday February 1, 1983

2005-02-01T23:29:00.000-05:00

Grant is real sick. He has what I had, but worse! I pity him. I was miserable when I had it. Dana looked kinda sad today without him. Today Miss Jackson, the biology teacher/basketball coach asked me how I was doing. She was referring to that note that Mr. Beusing found last week. I was surprised! I just said I was fine. I'm kinda anxious to see Millie at church tomorrow. I wonder if I really do like her. I told Mitch how I feel about her. Grant will freak out for sure!

Monday January 31, 1983

2005-01-31T23:24:00.000-05:00

It was a pretty "okay day." Grant wasn't too bad to me today. Dana and I stayed after school to practice today. I noticed when she eats lunch with Grant, they sure do eat and sit close to each other. I wish I had a girlfriend. I still think I kinda like Millie. You know, Grant's sister! Perfect! So what. If he likes Dana then I can like Millie.

Sunday January 30, 1983

2005-01-30T23:20:00.000-05:00

Grant was sick today so he wasn't at church. I am almost well. Dana told Mitch to call her to tell her how I was feeling but then I told him that I would call her instead. I didn't do it, so now she may be worried about me. I kinda hope she is. My hair isn't really "punk" but it is short-especially around my big ears. You know, I thought I got skinnier because I have been sick, but I realized I am the same I ever was.

Saturday January 29, 1983

2005-01-29T01:02:00.000-05:00

Got my hair cut "punk"! I don't really want to go to church tomorrow for three reasons:
1. Grant.
2. My hair.
3. I don't feel good.

Friday January 28, 1983

2005-01-28T01:00:00.000-05:00

Didn't go to school again. Lately I have been praying to die and then today it was getting hard to breathe because I am sick. I got scared so I guess I don't really want to die.

Thursday January 27, 1983

2005-01-27T01:00:00.000-05:00

Didn't go to school. Slept all day with a 104 temperature.

Wednesday January 26, 1983

2005-01-26T01:57:00.000-05:00

Today I got sick at school. Mitch told Grant about that note and then he told Dana. Grant was okay today though. I don't feel good.

Tuesday January 25, 1983

2005-01-25T01:53:00.000-05:00

I didn't give Grant the letter! Him and Dana are becoming closer and closer. I was so pissed off and I wrote a note that said "I wish I was dead." I threw it away but some how Mr. Beusing found it. He is one of the school counselors. He called me into his office and wanted me to "open up" but I didn't. I will tomorrow. All of this because of Grant Wayne Mellman!!!!!!

Monday January 24, 1983

2005-01-24T01:47:00.000-05:00

Dana and I started practicing "Barefoot in the Park" for our new duet acting scene. Tomorrow, The Victoria Advocate (our town newspaper) is going to take our picture for our results at the Goliad speech tournament. It will be all of us who won trophies. I am gonna be sure to get next to Dana. Grant has been a snob all day-not that I have been Mr. Nice Guy. I am fixing to write a long letter to him explaining how I feel. That I just want to be his friend. Who knows if I give it to him?

Sunday January 23, 1983

2005-01-23T14:03:00.000-05:00

I found out today that Grant's mother used to babysit me and me and Grant played together. At church he asked me how we did at the tournament. He had a grin on his face so he probably already knew. I said, "we did okay. We only got third." He goes only third? After that I walked off all mad. In evening church I was so mad that I did not even sing in choir or go to the service.

Saturday January 22, 1983

2005-01-22T13:59:00.000-05:00

Went to the Goliad speech tournament. Third place in record pantomime with Dana and fourth place in group improvization with Dana, Kim and Cherie. All day I kept thinking I was seeing Grant and I was depressed. I brought up the dance once to Dana but she didn't say she went with Grant even though I know she did.